


As if you were on fire from within

by orphan_account



Category: Eu não quero voltar sozinho | I Don't Want to Go Back Alone (2010), Hoje Eu Quero Voltar Sozinho | The Way He Looks (2014)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-25
Updated: 2014-07-25
Packaged: 2018-02-10 10:09:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2021079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The moon lives in the lining of your skin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As if you were on fire from within

The typewriter's dull noise prevents you from _trying_ to concentrate, but you don't mind; you parted ways with chemistry long ago. It was a messy divorce – your father wanted you to be a scientist – yet you are way happier now that you're having an affair with Pablo Neruda's poetry.

 You watch your classmates absentmindedly until you realize they are sketching chemical structures on their notebooks. You start drawing too, with dubious results – is acetone supposed to look like a food-deprived spider? Probably not.

 “Could you lend me your eraser, Leonardo?”

 Two seconds later, it appears you also fail at social interactions. You just asked an eraser _to a blind kid_. You are mentally cursing yourself for your carelessness when he put his best friend's rubber in your hand.

 The gesture is a bit awkward, and so is your muttered “thanks”, but you're smiling as the infamous spider disappears from your sheet.

 

*

 

You're half-asleep, listening to the soothing melody of your new friends arguing like an old married couple. You make a bet with yourself: any minute now, Giovana is going to throw water at Leo.

 You loose this one, actually, since _you_ end up in the pool. You can't complain too much, though, because Leo's chuckle is terribly contagious.

  _Warmer than the sun_ , you think, and you're laughing with them.

 

*

 

You usually like history, but today even your orange juice seems more appealing than the spartan citizenship.

“How about going to the cinema instead?” you say, and a blank stare welcomes your stupid suggestion. _Fuck_. You apologize once again, hoping he understands you are not making fun of him.

Leo looks more surprised than offended, though. “Cinema?” he asks carefully, as if you were talking about flying to the moon.

You realize that you probably are the first person to ask him such a thing. You drink your juice, hoping it will help the sudden bitterness in your throat go away, and open your mouth again when it doesn't.

“Yeah. You're up for it?”

 

*

 

The late-afternoon heat keeps you company on your way home. You still don't know a thing about Helots; besides, the movie you went to was honestly the worse you've ever seen.

When your father asks you how was your day, however, you answer “brilliant” and it's not a lie at all. When the robot was finally destroyed by an army of zombies, you nearly cried with laughter.

That night, when you're falling asleep, you allow yourself to remember what happened when the girl from the lower row told you to shut up. You didn't, of course, but instead of describing the movie's plot (or lack of) aloud, you whispered it in Leo's ear. The first time, he went completely still, then gradually relaxed.

He shivered once or twice. You wish you could forget it, forget the fact that it wasn't even cold in this cinema, but it's stuck in your head and you know you don't stand a chance.

 

*

 

Leo might not understand what an eclipse is, but you're the foolish one for assuming he could. _He's blind_ , you repeat to yourself. _Nothing is ever easy for him, at first._

You keep trying anyway; you are, after all, the optimistic one. You start your demonstration, and if your fingers linger a bit longer than necessary on Leo's hand and cheek, they are gone by the time the moon reappears.

His huge grin when he gets it is worth all your efforts.

 

*

 

It is not the first time that you've ridden your bike across empty streets in the middle of the night, but it is far less boring when Leo is just behind you, holding on to you as if he never wanted to let go.

Saying goodnight is more difficult than you had expected.

 

*

 

You like Giovana, you really do, but you reckon her friendship with Leo is somewhat unhealthy since she just hung up on him because... you don't even understand why, really.

You stare at your textbook, then at Leo; he looks miserable with his phone still in his hands. You roll your eyes at Giovana's over-dramatic tendencies – it's not like anyone can see you, anyway.

On a sudden impulse, you reach for your Ipod and put one of your favorite songs. Tchaikovsky might be a genius but your friend is already tormented, so there is no point in listening to him.

 

_I could hang about and burn my fingers;_

_I've been hanging out here, waiting for something to start..._

 

“What's this?” Leo asks, startled, but you're already up, mouthing lyrics you know by heart. _Sorry, I just stopped giving a fuck about ancient Greece and Giovana's bad mood,_ you want to say; instead, you tell him to dance with you.

As it turns out, Leo moves like an awkward penguin. Then again, no one told him what to do with his body, and he obviously couldn't learn by watching others.

You can't help but find him adorable.

 

_I feel like dancing on my own_

_Where no one knows me, and where I can't cause offense just by the way I lo-ook..._

 

Eventually, Leo gains enough confidence to move a little more. You put your hands on his shoulders; you're almost dancing together now. You know it's the closest you will reach for now. It's more than what you thought you could have.

 

_It's safer not to look around;_

_I can't hide my feelings from you now_

_There's too much love to go around these days..._

 

The familiar lyrics strike you with a brutal novelty. You freeze, feeling like you've been pushed in Giovana's cold pool once again. Leo stops moving too, and sits on his bed, smiling quietly as the song ends.

There is a warfare going on in your head. Thoughts are fighting against each other: _he is so beautiful right now,_ and _don't look at me or you will know_ (you are well aware of how ironic it sounds), and _I swear I didn't mean to fall in love with you._

 

_*_

 

You've had crushes before, of course; since high school, your gaze has often wandered to the bodies of boys whom you barely know. You watch their lips move, their hands when they write on the chalkboard or play basket. You glance at their ass when you are sure no one will pay attention.

You had never felt anything towards any of your friends, never experienced friendship and love mingle – until now.

“I am so fucked”, you inform the ceiling. Your brother hears you from the corridor and giggle. “Clearly not enough”, he shouts before retreating in his room.

 

 

_*_

 

Katrina's party is an utter disaster. You listened to Giovana, held her hair while she was throwing up, tried to make up with her and she made out with you instead. You turned your head a bit too late, feeling sorry and annoyed at the same time.

You had no idea she liked you. _How did I miss this,_ you wonder, but it's rhetorical. Your eyes were on Leo.

There is one thing you are willing to admit, though; even drunk, even deeply hurt, Giovana will help her best friend when he needs it. Without her, he would have kissed a dog. You knew your classmates were stupid, but only now do you realize how cruel they can become. _No wonder he was reluctant to go to this party._

You need to talk to him, to apologize for dragging him here, to make sure he is okay.

Giovana is gone, but you will worry about that later. Even though he doesn't know what happened, Leo looks so _hurt_ that all you want is to hug him; you would have, if you weren't a coward.

Then Leo is yelling at you, and he sounds both angry and terribly sad; you hear him say that he just wanted to get his first kiss –

 

You stop listening, take a step forward, close your eyes,

kiss him.

 

You feel his whole body tense; your fingers gently caress his cheeks – _I won't hurt you_ , your hands tell him.

His lips are soft against yours. You don't want it to end, but you don't want to frighten him either, so you let go.

Leo doesn't talk, doesn't move. He seems petrified.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck – I shouldn't have – he isn't -_

You run away.

 

*

 

You spend the rest of the night lying in your bed, unable to sleep. You feel sick, although you are aware alcohol has nothing to do with it.

It is nearly five a.m when you figure it out: you've got two choices. Either you never talk to Leo again – which would make you an asshole, and also quite unhappy – or you tell him you forgot everything.

 _As if I could,_ a voice sniggers in your head.

It is an blatant lie, but he doesn't know how much you drank, so he might believe you if you say you were wasted.

You try to convince yourself that you don't deserve him anyway.

 

*

 

At first, the school trip is a nightmare. You endure Katrina's mindless chatter, Giovana's dark looks, but you can't bear the sadness written all over Leo's face.

When you finally talk to him, you feel warmth spreading in your chest just by hearing his voice. _I am hopeless_ , you think, trying hard not to stare at his lips.

“The party was really nice”, he says, his tone casual.

“Actually, I don't remember anything”, you reply. It is easier to lie to someone who can't see you.

“Really?” Leo asks. Your heart skips a beat – _is he disappointed?_ – but you don't trust yourself enough to dwell on it.

 

*

 

Leo has blots of sunscreen on his nose and his chest; you find it endearing. You spread it with your hand, wondering when did it become so necessary to touch him.

Your fingertips brush his skin; it is delicious yet frustrating, for you are so hungry you can't live off crumbles of what you ache for.

“Hey, lovebirds!” Suddenly those two imbeciles are laughing and whistling, calling you a couple. You blush, ashamed of being so obvious.

Leo, who usually tells them to fuck off, stays silent. It makes you feel even worse.

 

*

 

In the shower room, you tease him for being too shy to remove his swim trunk. If you're being honest with yourself, you are slightly disappointed; still, you understand why Leo hates to feel more vulnerable than he already does.

Water falls on your bodies; you are so close to him you can count his skin moles. It feels more intimate than it ought to.

You shouldn't look at him so much, it isn't right, but you can't take your eyes off his back.

_Leo, have you ever been told that you were handsome?_

You shut your eyes, dreaming about his body pressed against yours. He is stronger than you; he would pin you to the wall, he would –

You open your eyes to wipe off your fantasy, except _oh, god –_ Leo is naked now. You both are, and if only you took a step forward, you would _feel_ him, his skin, his arse right against your –

You abruptly turn back and try to breathe again. He is talking to you, but you barely listen. _I want you, Leo_ , your mind shouts. _I'm yours._

He asks you something and without thinking, you face him again. Words get stuck in your throat; all you can think of is that he is _in front of you, oh god, Leo, you are so perfect,_ and _I would go on my knees right now and suck you if you asked me to –_

With a sense of horror, you realize that you've got a hard-on. Terrified that someone might walk in, or worse, that Leo might guess what happened, you hastily wrap your towel around your waist.

You don't dare look at him anymore.

 

*

 

You drink way too much that night. Katrina tries to kiss you but this time, you are quick enough and her lips find your cheek instead. She seems fine with it, though, once you've told her stories about your imaginary girlfriend. Maybe it's just the wine, but you find her really funny, and you wish you could tell her the truth.

You suddenly remember what you said to Giovana at the party. “We have to say the things we feel. We can't keep it inside.”

 _I'm a fucking hypocrite_ , you tell yourself, and dive into the pool as if you wanted to drown.

 

*

 

Leo is asleep during all the ride back. His head rests on Giovana's shoulder. You shoot her a little grin; she smiles back.

 

*

 

_Hey! It's Leo. I won't go to school today – I've caught a cold._

That was your voice mail, yesterday. Although Leo's seat is still empty, you haven't heard anything else from him. Giovana mentioned you she visited him, which made you glad and jealous at the same time.

She peers at you as if she knew something you didn't.

“You should go and see him”, she tells you at least. “It's Wednesday. He's alone in his house.” Her voice is heavy with words left unsaid.

You remember Leo's smile when you say his name, the countless times he chose to spend time with you, the jacket he always forgot to bring you back; hope flows in your memories.

 

*

 

 _I missed you,_ you almost tell him when he greets you. You begin to chat like you always do, except you are so nervous you can't sit still.

“Why didn't you kiss Katrina?”

 _Here we go_ , you think. You could answer that you aren't attracted by her, which isn't a lie. You are tired of half-truths, though, tired of craving his body and his mind; you might as well be honest for once.

“I actually like someone else.” _I like you_ is still too frightening to be said out loud, but your words make it obvious.

You feel more vulnerable than ever, but you've gone too far and even your hammering heart won't stop you this time.

“If you stole a kiss, how would you return it?”

You close your eyes when his lips meet yours.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
